In my late twenties, I reconnected with an old friend from high school and divulged personal struggles that prompted my soul-searching journey. As a new yoga teacher, I shamefully confessed that even though I found yoga, meditation, and a plethora of eye-opening self-help books to be transformative healing tools, I still couldn’t find the stop button to the buzzing hum in my chest entitled, “I’m not worthy.”
I’ll never forget Liz’s baffled reaction upon hearing about my low self-esteem. “Claire, I’d never, and I don’t think anyone from Rye (cue the Cheers’ theme song) would ever guess that YOU were suffering like this.”
I got what she meant. I have a pretty outgoing disposition and love a bit of craic. (I’m Irish—it’s slang for “fun.” CALM YOURSELVES) I’m the chick doing full-on splits at a wedding, the bowling alley, or on whatever bar that allows it. I’ve also had some cool experiences acting over the last fifteen years, and when I want to make things happen like move back and forth to NYC and LA, or build a private yoga teaching business, I embrace the fear and take the leap.
But what my 1300 + Facebook “friends” wouldn’t know about are the years of heartache I endured during my career from hundreds of rejections for being too tall, too thin, not thin enough, not blonde, not having an established name, or just not delivering a good enough audition. And then the guilt and shame arose because my gut knew that if I hadn’t invested precious time and energy into one too many narcissistic soul-sucking man-children, I would have been a much more successful actress.
I continued to get in my own way for several more years, waking up with a pit in my stomach, worried about what others thought or even worse, didn’t think of me, dreading bumping into people and forcing a smile, and feeling like a phony, preaching mindfulness and peace to my yoga students, while I literally felt like I was dying inside.
When I returned to LA in 2014, this stubborn, fact-finding control freak finally surrendered to the realization that I wasn’t going to dissolve these self-sabotaging limiting beliefs on my own.
Cue the life coaching work and Martha Beck’s training program that navigated me to the stop button!
Today at 35, I’ve never felt more grounded, happy, and clear. I love my life. I love the people in it. I love my ability to say “no.” I love finally trusting my killer intuition. I love how close friends see a dramatic shift in my spirit and as a result, I’m a much better friend. And what I love most is my ability to authentically own myself, mistakes and flaws included, regardless of who’s going to love me, leave me, hire me, or fire me–now that’s a pretty feckin’ cool space to be in, if I do say so myself.
So. Ya wanna join me for some craic?